2020 threw us all for a loop.
into a year where true loss, unknown and confusion led out hearts and our minds. political unrest, met with the largest pandemic this nation has ever seen – with each one of us experiencing it in so differently.
i can say that the past couple months, i only now can see what 2020 was for me. it was the year that i just kept waiting for life to happen to me – instead of me happening to life.
each day seemed so similar to the one before, that nothing stopped me in my tracks to change it.
because, probably like you, i kept waiting for “IT” to be over. the pandemic, the unrest, the loneliness, the grief, the hurt and the bitterness.
to be honest i used COVID-19 as an excuse to stop living. i stopped trying and instead let myself go.
not just weight wise, though that did happen, but me – as in, who i am. what i value most in myself was left behind or pushed aside in the wake of just hoping when all “this” was over, somehow magically i would be different.
and i hate to say it, but somehow that has become our world. our generation of quick fixes and easy hits. we want what is easy, because we all know the truth – exposing what is necessary for growth is hard, it’s sacrificial and it takes guts.
and 2020 stole all the guts i had. i didn’t have anything left, and each time i felt like i was getting it back – something would happen. at work. with family. with friends. no matter where i looked, every few months i felt like i was moving backwards rather than forwards.
and then something happened to me in November. i don’t know what it was exactly, but something in me shifted. i don’t remember the exact day or moment, but something in me realized that what i was waiting for wasn’t going to come without me going after it.
the growth and the change that i honestly value in my life as always accepting, well – i had been rejecting. so i took it back. and for me, and for most of us women, sometimes that starts with the physical.
so i joined Orange Theory and i started there. then i started doing laundry during the week, and weekly – instead of letting it pile up. then i decided to spend a full week at home for Christmas instead of just a couple days per the normal. and from there, i’ve started cooking, continuing to work out more and drink less.
the waiting is over, and it seems more of my life is being lived.
i don’t wake up everyday dreading the monotonous lull of normalcy – no, i’ve chose the hard, the sometimes painful, sacrificial path of growth.
do i know the full extent of the growth that is happening? no, but i imagine, just like i am doing right now – a few months down the road i hope to see the difference right in front of me.
i’m writing this because i think maybe you might or have felt the same way. and also, because i love to write and somewhere along the past few years of chasing success i lost the desire to pour into my own passions. and i’m hoping this is my next step on my journey in growth to reclaim that back. because words can be healing – for me, for you. sharing can heal, it can release and most all the time – it captures. it’s like a time capsule of my heart and life to those around me, in front of me and behind me.
it helps me know that i’m leaving something behind whenever God does take me home that meant something. whether it does in my present or in my future.
so if you’ve read this far, thank you for being apart of my journey. one you might have stumbled upon, or one of my people who know & love me enough to read the scribbles i decide to put on the internet. i’m praying in some way something in this stuck with you and leads you to realize for yourself, the wait can be over for you to. all you have to do is decide for it to be.
jessica m. pittman 