i’ve thought long and hard about this post. about how it might look if i post it publicly. and i never knew when the right time might be, but earlier today – i realized it was time. i pray as you read this post, you are encouraged to know…
- you are not alone
- you are never too far gone
- it’s okay to just receive
i never thought i would be the girl to lose her virginity at 28. i also never thought i’d be writing about it, either. why? because 1) its super personal 2) i thought i’d lose it when i got married.
i waited 28 years, so why now? the question i’ve been asked and i asked myself for months now. and honestly, i don’t have the answer just yet. i wasn’t forced and i wasn’t drunk. i didn’t go out of my way to coerce it, nor was i manipulated into doing it. it happened and i chose it.
but what i want to talk about here isn’t the fact i’m no longer a virgin – it’s the lessons i’ve learned since.
you see, my virginity was in and of itself a shield for me. it was my badge of honor. my qualification to earn my future husband and deserve my calling from the Lord. did I know that, well – no. i didn’t know what i couldn’t see. we all have those things that we realize in hindsight, right?
a few weeks after the fact, i was praying and the Lord gave me a vision and compared my V-card to a rug in a living room. how when you go into someone’s house for the first time, you notice it – but after a while, you don’t see it anymore. it blends in and becomes lost in the familiarity of the home, until…they decide to change it or remove it all-together. for a while you might not notice, but then all of sudden you take a step back and realize, wait – somethings different.
and that something wasn’t a thing – it was me. also, like many rugs, underneath the loss of my virginity was a slew of things that were revealed with its’ absence. which really isn’t surprising, because the unveiling of one thing sometimes does have the ability to reveal more of what might need to be altered.
one of those things was, i never realized how prideful i was and how compassionate i wasn’t. for years i’ve experienced tragedy and pain – but none birthed by my own sin; or at least, none to the measure of guilt and shame i felt after this.
and because i had to learn how to forgive myself, i also learned how to forgive others more and quicker. shame is an awful, awful feeling and can drive you to make decisions and believe lies that are straight from the devil himself. not just when something is being “held” over you, but even if you are holding it over someone else.
and that’s why i’m writing this. for months the devil won in me. lies i told myself made me think that i was too far gone. that who i had become wasn’t worthy of the calling and the destiny that God had promised me – at first for my future marriage, but then after awhile these lies were infesting all areas of my heart.
and though i never realized it, my virginity was the only thing i thought i could offer my future husband and even, the only thing that i felt distinguished me as someone worthy of having a ministry. sounds crazy, but honest to goodness – i was trapped in this. but you see, those were a couple of lies within many lies. i didn’t know or understand my worth. i didn’t trust or see my value. the value that is outside of who i am or can offer anyone physically, emotionally or even spiritually. the value and authority of who i am as a child of God. and mostly – that who i am as a child of God is enough without me doing anything.
the fact is, we are all flawed and broken. some with open wounds and some with scars, however we’re all the same. my virginity wasn’t a qualifier for me to be a wife or a minister, nor is it a dis-qualifier the same.
however, please let me stop and say that i am in no way condoning sex before marriage. i’ve asked for forgiveness and truly believe i am walking on the other side of freedom. and more than anything, ‘sex before marriage’ discussion is not my heart for this post. my heart in this post is to reveal something i feel is lost in the church.
i am a woman who longs to lead a life openly, honestly and vulnerably. why? because too many people are stuck in a lonely place. a place where there is no hope because they truly think they are all alone and that nobody could possibly understand what they’re going through or what they could be fighting.
and my friend, you are not alone.
“…This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3: 22-24
and here i am on the other side of this battle, still with scars and some slightly open wounds in the way – but overcoming nonetheless. and honestly, it’s been a journey. a journey of finding who i am post-virgin. and who i am is more aware of who i’m becoming. a woman not defined by a word, but by a Savior. not looking for approval from man, but surrendering daily in submission to the Father’s will. not hoping for healing, but walking in healing and more so, expectancy for greater healing/deliverance from the Holy Spirit.
so what’s with the title of this blog? the term ‘i love you for free‘ was actually from a movie i recently watched. and it stuck with me. as i’ve prayed it multiple times over the past week, God continues to show me the power of it.
‘i love you for free‘ is an anthem i want to carry the rest of my life.
to my Savior who i want to walk with and not see Him as a miracle or blessing ATM, but an honest-to-goodness soulmate who i just love because He first loved me.
to my future husband who i want to love with no expectation for him to feel the need to do something or be someone other than him to earn my love.
to my friends and community who i want to honor and cherish without need for them to always do the same.
to those i’m called to serve who i desire to see, forgive and encourage without need of it in return.
this freedom to love without the need to be given it back. a gift it is, honestly. to be on the other side of falling, stumbling and honestly busting my rear – to experience fullness, wholeness like this…it can only be Jesus.
so my friend, whoever you are that you’re still reading – i pray you know you’re not alone. and whatever it is you’ve done that you think separates you from others, your future destiny and most of all – the Lord, know that it doesn’t. He’s calling you home. He’s wanting to just sit and talk with you. He wants to remind you who you are and what you mean to Him. He wants to say, ‘i love you for free, and you don’t have to do anything but receive my love.’
thanks for reading and praying it blesses you or someone you know.