scarred journey home

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” – Brene Brown

quite a few years back i was at a women’s event where a woman had a very large blanket strung up and turned around backwards. the back was messy, chaotic, not very attractive, and honestly kind of hard to follow. there was no pattern to it, nor sense of direction to the design.

she then turned it around as it showed a beautiful portrait of Jesus.

the metaphor was brilliantly articulated in an effort to explain a very real truth – God’s ways are not our ways. His designs to us look chaotic, not very attractive, and honestly kind of hard to follow while all the while He’s creating a beautiful masterpiece to showcase.

though at the time i was in awe of this physical metaphor of a such a hard spiritual truth, God used it a couple years later to pave the way to give even more depth to a vision He gave me.

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during a drive to work one day (where Jesus and I have deep talks often), He showed me myself, standing on a dark shadowy, slightly foggy mountaintop with circular holes cut out of me at random places all over my body. some of them were big and some small. it was like if you ever seen Time Travelers Wife when he ‘time travels’ he slowly disappears? It was kind of like that but i didn’t disappear.

And then God gave me a 360 view of myself and as i was facing myself face to face, the sun begin to come up on in the horizon behind me.

though the holes had been hard to see in the shadow and fog, as the light shown on one side of me, it passed through the ‘holes’ onto the dark side like lightening piercing the sky during a late night thunderstorm.

it was immediately moving and i teared up as the Lord spoke this…

“you see your holes as voids and the means to disqualify you. i see them as channels for My light to shine. As you surrender these holes in your life to me, as you have prayed, you will become less and I will become more.”

though i have thought about this vision often, over the past week it has seemed even more relevant.

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the past few weeks have been a whirlwind. a mixture of heartbreak, lessons, grief, victory, joy, goodbyes, hellos, and a string of other narratives. and all the while i was traveling and working and doing and going and seeing and trying to perform and process all at once. but this last week, God slowed me down. He told me to rest, to stop, to quiet my heart and calm my soul.

He told me to reset. 

and as i’ve been doing my best to rest and reset, i started fearing the other side of the reset. the other side of perspective and healing always causes change. you can’t go into a reset season and not come out different. amen?

so then the Lord reminded me of the aforementioned vision and as He does, He used a familiar truth to showcase a new perspective.

these holes, voids, or as i’ve called them here for a future metaphor – scars; they are making more room for Him and less of me.

scars prove that a wound that once was there, is now healed. they prove that though pain may have taken place, the proper medicine or bandage was applied to give way to healing.

scars prove we’ve been through a process. wounds showcase refusal of the process.

yet our society looks at scars and holes as disqualifications, and our wounds as trophies? people spend their lives making decisions, having conversations through a stain-glassed perspective. they refuse to accept their wound, submit their wound, or let go of it so they live out of pain, instead of living out of healing.

but my friends, i ask you – would you rather live your life wounded and in pain or healed, yet scarred? so many are more in fear of the scars because they feel they are more visible – but that’s a lie from Satan’s old handbook. he twists the truth to make us believe in a false reality – just like he did with Even in the garden.

while we refuse the healing process out of fear of the scars, we live our life wounded not only not able to be a channel for light for God to heal others – but us. when we choose to go through the healing process and accept the scar, we not only live our best lives out of a healed heart, mind, body, and soul – but we then have the ability to relate to someone else’s wound to then showcase the truth about God’s healing that truly does redeem.

so this is me, telling you that i’m not perfect – i never was. no matter how hard i tried to prove it, i wasn’t. i have failed. i have fallen. but i have gotten back up. there is nothing you can tell me about what “i don’t deserve” that i wouldn’t agree with you on. but will also immediately  follow that agreement with the truth that God knew i was undeserving and chose me and you anyway. *tears*

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

i’ll never understand why He chose to die for me – for you. this grace and this love is beyond what i can understand, and i’m okay with that.

i’m okay if you’d rather focus on what you remember about the wounds of my past. honestly, i am. but i won’t. 

the woman you see before you is on a new journey. one where she isn’t hiding behind the wounds preventing scarring out of fear of being judged or disapproved or disappointing those around her. this journey will be full of sharing her scars with the wounded in hopes that they too will take the scarred journey home.

home is a word meant to give life to shelter. home is a place where you can be you, the vulnerable unexposed you. the you where you take off your masks, you strip down to your naked, maybe partially wounded and scarred self, and let yourself just be.

this journey i’m taking feels different, sometimes scary and lonely, but at all times so very peaceful.

the journey i was on before wasn’t peaceful at all, nor even a journey, it was a race. a exhausting race to prove; a competition to strive more and be better than those around me so that no one would actually stop to see all the wounds and scars i myself was running with.

no longer will i choose to succumb to those who challenge me to prove or question my character due to their own insecurity. my heart truly is inspired to surround myself with those who challenge me to be me in a world telling me to be everyone else.

in my scarred journey home i’m leaving behind many, but i’m looking forward to so much more.

i don’t know what journey you’re on. i don’t know where you’re coming from or where you want to go, but what i do know that for most of us – a journey sounds so much more life-giving than a race, agreed?

get off the track. take a back road for a bit. allow God to show you the scars he wants to use in your life to shine His light. you’re wound isn’t too deep or too wide to be healed by His grace and love to then leave a scar of redemption.

you’re scar could pave the way of healing for someone else’s wound.

i pray mine have and do.

see you at home, as we journey scarred together.

xoxo

a fellow sojourner

 

 

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