you know how sometimes when you try something on, test out a new recipe, and/or even travel to a new place – you end up sometimes finding out that what you thought you wanted…well, actually isn’t?
i think it might be my favorite bitter/sweet part of growing up. we learn ourselves better because, hopefully, we’re putting ourselves in situations, relationships, etc. that make us ask ourselves – is this what I want? does this make me happy, add value to my life, or bring out the best in me?
we have the ability to adjust and correct our journeys if we are honest with ourselves when what we thought we wanted/needed, well – just isn’t anymore.
but that’s what gets us. honesty isn’t always easy – most of the time, it’s uncomfortable, stretching and most of the time – seems like more of a sacrifice than the alternative. being honest with ourselves sometimes requires us to let go of the comfortable, remove the option to settle, and lean into the longing for more of what truly will make us happy, bring value to our life and most of all, bring out the best in each of us.
recently, i had to learn this.
i wouldn’t change the past few weeks for anything. i fell for a guy who was attractive, tall, had a voice like butter – and most importantly, was completely unexpected. he gave me butterflies for the first time in a couple years and was nothing short of admonishing and alluring.
he was what i needed to wake me up. get me out of the comfort zone. he caused me to crawl out of the cave i was hiding in and begin to believe in love again. yeah, yeah i know – it wasn’t love at all, but what it was led me to allow my heart, my mind, and even my life to begin to think in that direction again. i’m 28 and single and everyone knows it. i don’t hide it and sometimes i can be more obnoxious about it than i like to admit. i never thought i’d be here, but also – in the cave (hiding) i was comfortable in just a month ago – i never thought i would be there either.
i wasn’t made to be a woman who hides or ‘goes away for winter.’ singleness was never supposed to be a season you hide from. but as those of us who have seen many non-metaphorical seasons – we know that these ‘hiding’ seasons can come and stay before we even realize it.
in the past 3 weeks i was asking myself questions, letting myself feel things, and giving myself permission to be vulnerable and express things i never have before. i learned. i grew. i crushed. i kissed. i laughed. and then i said goodbye.
don’t feel sorry for me, i promise – if i was really hurt, i wouldn’t be writing about it yet. i think i knew it all a long – but i also knew i had to know for sure before i let it go. you see, it was never supposed to be forever. he had a purpose. he still has one – it’s just not with me. he gave me something i could have never learned that quickly without him.
there’s a constant debate if Christians are supposed to date multiple people before their spouse. i get it, i really do. i don’t disagree with any of it – but is it scriptural? not really. it’s an opinion, and an educated and wise one yes. too many people fall fast and hard and give away too much of themselves too quickly – so yes, in those cases i agree. and most of the time i would have fallen into that bucket.
but not now. i didn’t walk away from this any less of a person or give him any more of me. if anything, i walked away more aware of who I am, what I want and don’t want. who i was two years ago (the last time i felt like that) is not the same woman today. and it took this guy to show me that. to help me look myself in the mirror and realize that maybe what i’ve been looking for – and who i’ve been looking at – well, just isn’t who i’m supposed to be with.
and who the heck knows what that kind of shift or revelation will do (or save) the next time some cute guy with a voice like butter comes along. because, my friends – i do believe that God never takes gold and gives silver.
so whether the next one has a similar purpose and season or if he’s the one where we don’t part until death separates us – either way, i’m better off and truly believe the best is yet to come.
thanks for the memories, OC – you truly gave me a reason to believe there is good in goodbye.
p.s. to the women who are waiting, searching, dating or whatever stage you’re in – be encouraged that that you have the right to get to know yourself and what is best for you and will bring out the best in you, whether that is 3 weeks or for forever.