off the record

If you know anything about public relations and/or media in general, you’ve heard the phrase – ‘off the record.’ Usually not from those interviewing, but defintely from those who are being interviewed. I don’t know who the first it was to say it, but I know many have probably been thankful for it since.

Well, with this in mind – though there is no real way to go ‘off the record’ in a blog, because yeah – i’m choosing to share it all, i still want y’all to keep that mindset reading forward.

Capture

When people say ‘off the record,’ it’s usually because what they are about to share is more personal part of their story, their families’ lives, and/or a circumstance that honestly – they don’t mind sharing with someone right in front of them, but for it to be publisized, yeah no.

But these days, I don’t think we have enough honesty. Enough real talk. Enough people saying it like it is, not like they want it to be or hope it to be.

So…to do what i can to alter this, i’m just gonna say what i’ve been thinking ‘off the record…’

I’m 27 (28 in about 2 months and 20 days) and everyday i learn more and more about who i am – and frankly, who i’m not nor will ever be. i think when i was younger i had so many dreams – but most of them, realistically, weren’t meant for me. they are realities for some individuals, but not me.

and everyday God shows me a little bit more of the unseen – the parts that are underneath the sass and the humor. he reaches in and pulls things out of me that honestly, ‘off the record’ are just plain ugly.

selfishness. entitlement. judgement. lust. anger. bitterness.

all these things that from the outside, well nobody probably would say these are overarching areas i struggle in. but oh, do i. i think i deserve so many things. but then i can’t seem to receive anything the Lord wants to give me. it’s entitlement that meets self-protection – otherwise known as, pride. i think i know better than God. i think i have it all figured out. i think i know who i’m supposed to marry, when i’ll marry him, what job i’ll have, what gender of babies we’ll have together – and even, already planning how i’m gonna balance a Jesus-work-wife-mom-traveling speak, life. like, who the heck do i think i am?

but you know the worst part? sometimes i leave God complletely out of it.

like recently. when i was in Berlin, God spoke something to me that the enemy has attacked everyday since. and everyday since, God continues to speak and bring peace over the same situation. it’s a daily battle inwardly and unfotuantley, outwardly. it started to affect relationships, my prayer life, and honeslty – distract me from the very real things God’s called me to do right now – not if or when i figure out what He’s doing or why He’s called me to it, but now.

and all the while still just trying to do this dang thing called life. pay bills on time, do laundry, cook, get my freakin’ butt back into the gym, friends, weddings, church, and the list goes on and on.

these major promises i hear, these dreams and desires that i still pray about – it’s like, well they just never go away. but somehow, my belief does.

so why tell you all this? well, 1) i just needed to write it out, but 2) i realize i’m probably not alone in this. we all feel like we’re doing it wrong. missing out. too late. too early. not enough. too much of enough. and we’re all pursuing this facade of a life that frankly, we’re not even sure we want.

i liked this guy once. he was everything i thought i wanted. he loved Jesus, was hilarious as heck, tall, handsome, semi-athletic (not asking for much), liked sports, and enjoyed being finanically independent. (I know, sounds perfect right?)

After a few weeks of ‘dating’ him, i just couldn’t shake it. i like the idea of him, but i didn’t like…him? yeah, i know b***** move, right? i didn’t know what to do. i felt aweful. but it was then that i realized  i genuinly have no freakin clue what i’m doing, who i’m ‘so-called’ looking for, and what on earth God really has around the corner.

and it seems though i thought that was the first time i thought that, i realize it’s a re-occuring theme in my life. i like the idea of alot of things, people, places, jobs, etc. – but when it comes down to it, i have no real clue what i like the most.

so yeah, i’m learning. i’m growing. i’m super thankful i’m still single so i can figure this out. and most of all, ‘off the record’ because of Christ Jesus i know i have the freedom now to figure it out. to repent for when i miss it, but then walk forward (shame free) realizing i’m trying. i’m giving it my all. and the best part? anytime it’s just me and JC, i’m always ‘off the record..’

so i encourage you to do the same. what would you tell yourself or someone else about you if you were truly ‘off the record.’ be real and raw with someone. be in community. don’t live live alone. but know who you are ‘off the record’ with, better be someone who knows you and values the place you have put them in. choose those people wisely. and then, let it all come out. becaues i promise, once you do go ‘off the record, you’ll start to realize living that way is so much better than the edited article that’s written about you anyway.

and honestly, probably more entertaining.

 

xoxo

jess

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