Lonely as Crap

“The bravest among us will always be the most brokenhearted. Because we had the courage to love. Those of us that have the courage to encourage and love, will always know disappointment. Those of us who are willing to be innovative and creative, will always know failure. There is nothing more dangerous to the critics and cynics, than those of us who are willing to fail – willing to know heartbreak and disappointment – because we’re the ones who are willing to get back up.”

-Brene Brown

I wanted to use the other word for crap in this title, but I know my mom will read this, so therefore I didn’t. But you know and Jesus knows what I’m really saying.

Loneliness is not fun. It’s hard, exhausting, and a trap. You can get stuck in the lonely, did you know that? The feeling of seclusion can at first be your environment, but then it starts to become you. Starts to envelop you until your desires for people and any places where people are, seem too much for you to handle. So you hide and then, pray to God to take you out of loneliness.

People are wack when emotions are their source.

We literally are searching for the exact thing we start resenting. It’s disgusting and it’s so much the enemy. But at the beginning, the only two people you see us blaming is ourselves (shame) and God (unbelief).

I find myself trying to find the words to even pray. I feel more out of touch with reality than anything. And in the midst of it, I feel as if I’m losing myself in the process. Therefore, I begin blaming myself for possibly making a wrong decision in the past or doubting whether the God who created everything is actually in control of my life.

Did I lose sight of what He’s called me to do?

Am I doing something wrong?

Why don’t I feel I know where I’m going?We are a people of effort, rather than resting.

Questions fall into my mind like a waterfall and with them, the entire current of the my emotions below it changes. All I can do is write, think, pray, and sing worship songs – pleading with God to help me understand what I need to do. And most times, actually every time for the past few weeks, He’s only spoken one word… wait. My favorite answer from the Lord…NOT.

Some context might help you understand what triggered all this, huh? Yeah – I thought so. I had to go back to the beginning of it, too. Sometimes, that’s where we all need to start.

A couple months ago I went to dinner with four of my six best friends from college (UNT). We sat there and each chatted about what was going on in our lives, and one by one it was revealed to us all that things were shifting. And not just a small shift, but life-altering, super, adult things were hitting our friend group – and all at once it seemed.

One is moving to California with the love of her life.

One was about to get engaged (and now is).

One is pregnant.

One is seriously dating a guy and moving further into Dallas.

(The other two of my best friends (that were not present) are in similar seasons – one is graduating with their Master’s possibly going to get her PhD and the other is pregnant with her second child.)

And, in an instant, I realized what I had known separately about all of them – felt like a Super Soaker of reality hitting me in the face all at once.

Things were changing.

They were moving on.

But Where Am I?

Since that night, I’ve battled loneliness. Loneliness in the sense that I have people, places, and things all around me, but questioning God all in the same time if it’s the RIGHT people, RIGHT places, and RIGHT things is my current struggle.

And I hear no answer, therefore I pull back. I shut down and I try my best to hold it together, because that’s what Christians do. We get saved to serve a God who is Sovereign and worthy of all of our praise, only to return to trying to do, say, become, achieve, attain, and inhabit all the “right” things. We are a people of effort, rather than resting. We desire to please God, over being completely at rest that He is already pleased with us. 

Though my head gets the nonsense of this, my heart and body and even soul refuse to align with that truth. But you know what, would I have ever gained all of this truth if I wasn’t going through the loneliest season of my life? I don’t know. And what if questions are pointless and unproductive anyway.

The fact is, I don’t know what is next. I don’t know when the loneliness will cease – so I choose to focus on what I DO know.

  • God has given me a job that I love – over and above anything I thought I would be doing or able to accomplish at 26.
  • He’s given my family healing in more areas than I can count, provided in more ways than I even have seen, and strengthened us all in ways that we didn’t even know we needed. 
  • He’s given me friendships that are not wide in scale, but broad in depth.
  • He provided an idea for a book that has led to the discipline and passion to write it. 
  • He’s divinely placed people around me interceding on my behalf for a level of anointing and favor that sometimes I don’t even desire to pray for myself.
  • And more than all of these, a love for my Heavenly Daddy that even in the lonely – I know I am not alone. 

For the past 3 weeks I’ve cried myself to sleep almost every night. So thankful to God for the idea for the book I am writing, but so very scared that when I raise my head up from writing – everything and everyone around me will be different. That yes, I do know this is only a season, but when it’s over – everyone else’s seasons will be different too.

My friends will move and get married. They will become wonderful mothers and dads. Some will become writers, and some already are teachers. Some will travel the world, and some will stay settled here. Some are starting non-profits, to launching their careers. And others are learning how to grow up just as much as I am.

And you know what, all of that has to be okay. It has to be, because there is no alternate option. Allowing God’s work and will to be done in my friends and family’s life is all I’ve ever prayed. And now, it is happening. And my choice is always and will always be Jesus’ will for their lives – and inevitably, mine. Even in the hurting and the pain of the unseen and unknown, the letting go and moving on – my choice will be His ways over mine.

And so, how do we continue on in this?

We have to choose to keep going. Keep communicating. Hold onto to what we have while we have it. Keep asking for prayer and keep expressing to God where you are at – mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And always, always, praise Him even in the unknown. But then you can also be real and honest with Him – He can take it. Just like He can take when I tell Him I hate the silence and loneliness and want to use the word shit instead of crap – He can take whatever we throw at Him.

Therefore, my life does not have to feel lonely, even if I truly am lonely. I know, what God knew in the beginning – this season was never meant for me to feel alone; but for me to truly understand where my foundation lies.

Not in people.

Not in things never changing.

Not in jobs.

Not in material things.

Not in the perfect body size.

Not in singleness.

Not in the perfect chapter in a book.

My foundation lies in the fact that if I were to lose it all, Jesus would still be enough.

So, today – I rise up and take heart in the fact that, loneliness may last for the night, but joy comes in the morning.

(My current revised prayer of Psalm 30:5)

 

Thanks for reading and walking this journey with me – I love all of you.

xoxo

jess

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