“And the fear of falling in love with somebody – I realized – is itself already silent love.” – Unknown
You see as a 26 year old (happily) single woman, I get the questions constantly…
“How are you still single?”
“Oh, is it a date?”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Don’t you want to date?”
I LOVE those questions – kidding. Totally kidding. But I don’t “not” like them – I get them I really do. We live in Texas and I love Jesus, so naturally – I “should” be married. But should I? If you know me – you know even the idea of love has been a journey for me all in its own.
Growing up I found it hard to even want to believe in love. I was the chubby one – the one all the guys were ‘friends’ with, but never ‘interested’ in. I was the one to make them laugh, but not swoon. And most of the time, that’s the way I liked it. Friendship was safe. Romance was scary. Friendship had restrictions. Romance was uncontrolled. When you grow up afraid of love, but yet are naturally a romantic – your heart is constantly conflicted.
And at 26 – not much of that has changed. Though interlaced between those conflictions is the truth, freedom, and redemption of what marriage will one day look like for me – the confliction of how to long, but yet be content is still very present.
And then there’s the questions. The holidays. And the ever-so present updates on social media that remind a young woman every day that somebody will always have a ‘one-up’ on her. As my mom has said, “you won’t be the first, and you won’t be the last.” But, what all of this has to do with my future is how it affects my today. You see, every day I think about my husband. I pray for him. And most days, I do think about what our life will look like. Most of the time it’s never longer than a few minutes – but still, I do it. And you know what, sometimes I feel bad for it? Do you? Do you feel there’s that granny type, Christian ideal sort of in person form, sitting on your shoulder yelling at you to “Be content – stop thinking about him, you don’t know even know him. Stop it. STOP IT.” Well, that’s what was happening to me – and you know what, I embraced that. So I turned into someone who when someone would say they’re excited for when I get married – I would snap at them and say something ridiculously dramatic like, “stop, I don’t even want it right now.” You’re laughing, because you’ve either done it – or you know someone who has.
And that my friends, this is why I’m writing this blog – because in the past few months I have learned more about myself – the female, romantic, desiring a God-pursuing husband part of me than ever before. And the truth that has set me free, well – I want to share it with you.
I don’t have a ring on my left hand, but yet – I’m already in love. And that is perfectly okay to say.
This desire to love and be loved is straight from Love Himself. It’s put inside of us from the very beginning – when He said that “man shouldn’t be alone.” And that’s why I’m already in love – and not just in love with “love;” no, I’m already in love with my husband.
Am I writing this blog eating ice cream and drinking Moscato – no, however those both sound great. As I said above – I am a HAPPY, single, fearfully and wonderfully made (truth, people, just truth), averagely shaped (recently called ‘proportional’), humorous (in my own opinion), employed (very important these days), and living for Christ (with everything I am) 26 year old, female. But just because I’m happy in my singleness, and just because I’m not dating the next guy that walks by – doesn’t mean that I can’t be open about my desire for love. And I feel that is where my peers and I struggle. If we are not dating, we should be. But if we don’t want to date, then we shouldn’t be ‘complaining.’ Ladies (and gentleman if you’ve read this far) a desire is never a complaint to the Lord. Your identity is not based in your singleness, or your marriage-ness. (See what I did there?) No – in fact, I believe that is one of the best gifts of being single – every day I find out way more about who I am. So, by the time Mr. Wonderful gets here – well…
- I won’t look to him to define me.
- I will already know who I am so I can spend the time I would have needed to work on me – to learn more about him.
- My desire for Christ will have already been established – I won’t need him to tell me to love Jesus first and foremost.
- I will have had time to actively pray and pursue God’s calling for my life.
- I won’t look to him to define me.
The last one was said twice, because it needs to be. Friends – it’s okay to already be in love with love. It’s not okay to let it consume all your thoughts, attention, and the present season of your life. The season you are in right now has a lesson to be learned and a purpose to be lived out – so learn that lesson and live out that purpose well.
But in the meantime – don’t feel bad or stop vocalizing about your desire for love. Be in love with love – and be in love with him (or her), and when he (or she) comes – I pray that the love you’ve already been expressing will just flood (not too soon – you know what I mean) over him or her.
To ‘practice what I peach’ as they say, here’s a look into the (honest) heart of a 26 year old, single, romantic – if you are not a romantic, you might not want to continue reading – you’ve been warned:
I’m in love with the beautiful, yet (unfortunately sometimes) very mysterious love story that will never be anyone’s but mine and his. This love story that I won’t be ashamed of telling – but that I’ll want to scream. I’m in love with the man that won’t need me to decide where to go to dinner because he will already have one picked out. I’m in love with the adventures we will have – like skydiving and cross-country road trips. I’m in love with the way he will love people. I’m in love with the look in his eyes when I tell him he’s a good husband – and father. I’m in love with the fact that every day I’ll have a partner to walk through life with. I’m in love with the fact I’ll finally have someone who will get to hear all my hidden corny jokes that I’ve been saving. I’m in love with the beautiful mystery that our proposal story will be. I’m in love with the way I’ll feel on my wedding day – knowing, he was worth the wait. I’m in love with the many group dates we will have with friends – because I’m in love with the community we will have. I’m in love with the goodness that his heart will have – much like Christ. I’m in love with the fact that no matter what we’ve both done in our past – God’s grace and mercy will be our foundation of forgiveness. I’m in love with the way he will pray – and lead me. I’m in love with the way he will be the one to read me before anyone else has even noticed a change. I’m in love with the picture of Christ he will be for the world. I’m in love with the legacy we will leave. I’m in love with the very handsome man that for now, only lives in my prayers and in my dreams. But, for the first time in my life – I’m not ashamed to be in love with love or the idea of it – because I’m in love with that too.
My friends – it’s okay to already be in love. It’s not okay to let it define you. But don’t disregard that part of your heart because society tells you that you have to be all in or all out. As many have said recently, “you do you, boo.”