Though you don’t know it, three years ago I didn’t want you. It’s not that I didn’t like the idea of you, but you, as a man, couldn’t even fathom letting you put a ring on it. Why? Well…
Every little girl dreams of a white picket fence, Barbie and Ken, and the whole kid and dog collection attached. We see all those things growing up, and think it’s ‘just the way it is.’ Just like we play ‘cashier’ in hopes of grabbing our dream job at Wal-Mart – because how cool would be it be to play cashier all day? (Duh) We bake things in the Easy Bake Oven in hopes that moms around the country will use our world-famous brownie creation as part of the Thanksgiving menu. We believe. We dream. We play make believe – all with one consistent thought – never in our 5, 6, or 7 year old minds do we think any of these make believe ideas will not come true.
That was some little girls’ reality, but for me, my reality was like this on some days – but a few very dreary days, my little girl fantasies of make-believe, became all too real. Seven boys took the innocence from me that Barbie and Ken, the Easy Bake Oven, and my small town Baptist church roots so easily tried to shield me from. It took what I truly believe was pure and right, to long for in my heart as a little girl, and it laid the foundation for the walls that would keep my heart hidden for years.
At 22, even though I didn’t want you, there was still some part of me that thought you would be here by now (three years later). This is how girls are. We want so badly, the things we are so in fear to actually receive. Love. Acceptance. Hope. Authority. Justice. We see all these things as distant dreams, instead of present realities. I saw you as a distant dream, but never to be a possible present reality.
And the fact is, you are not here this season. But (oh, the but) you are present dream. You are not distant anymore my love – you are what my heart longs for.
“Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Song of Solomon 2:7
Though I long for you, don’t feel like you need to rush– because I am not. I have found what my heart truly longed for all those years. I have found the healing, the goodness, and the beauty from the ashes of my past. I have found the truth that has set me free – and I want the same for you. I desire the ‘kid and dog collection’, but I desire it to come after a fruitful courtship, engagement, and marriage. After the time God has given us to love each other despite my quirky mannerisms or your inability to talk without a cell phone – He wants us to be unified together as one. And, that cannot happen without our individual hearts being full, whole, and content in our identity as a separate son and daughter.
So, this is not a letter or a plea for God to bring you to me, because I have no doubt that He will. This letter is more of a time encapsulation of sorts. I want to remember. I want to remember what is was like to long for you, to pray for you in the unknown of your face and strengths. I want to remember that I loved you before I knew you. I want to show you that though I have fallen before and fallen short of the glory of our beloved God, I am still pushing forward. Not for me, not for you, not for our children – but for His glory. He has a destiny for us my love, a destiny to teach, preach, worship, and love God with more zeal, abundance, and more relentlessness than we even thought possible. He has, immeasurably, more planned for us – so don’t rush. Don’t run ahead, but please don’t get caught behind either.
Wake up everyday knowing that just as God put a book in the bible about the seasons, that our lives are always in a change of seasons no matter the color of the leaves on the trees. We are always changing, growing, receiving, giving, and learning how to be who He has called us to be. Don’t rush it. Let’s walk, run if He calls us to, skip when its joyous, get on our knees when it’s hard, and always, always keep our hands raised in praise. One day, you will read this, and I pray with all of my heart it that it warms your spirit to know that you have been loved longer than you knew. In that moment, may you also be reminded how much God loved us before anyone else ever did. And in that, Him knowing us better than anyone, saw fit that we would be better together than we are apart.
I don’t play with Barbies any longer, and unfortunately my baking might be just the same as the Easy Bake Oven (working on it) but, God, out of His kindness and goodness, has given your wife her innocence back. Not in the form of being naive – but in the form of knowing that in all things God works things together for our good. Our good hon, our good.
I will see you soon, until then, may the God of angel armies protect you, may our Beloved romance you, and may our Savior continue to reveal to you His abundant and relentless love.
See you behind the white picket fence,