The feeling we all desire. The phrase we all want to hear. The definition we all want to become.
Wanted, by definition, is: ” to have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for.“
Oh, the things that I have wanted, the things that I have wished for – but wait, so this is meant to describe me too?
That’s when I try to change it. I try to change the definition to: “to have a desire to possess or do (something); wish for….anything or anybody but me.”
Doubt. Insecurity. Inadequacy. Fear.
All of these wrapped up into this word. I first came to terms with my fear of this word as a child. I saw that before I realized it the circumstances of my life had forced me to believe that I was anything but valuable, and more than this, how could anyone ever want me? I used the abuse of my childhood and the emotional distance of my adolescence to try and claim lies, what really God had staked claim before I was born as said in Psalm 139:13,15-16
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
So, as I got older I realized what the truth of God’s word said about me, and then what the world said about me. Coming from a small town there are certain stereotypes you can get placed in that rarely have anything to do with who you truly are. As I discovered this, I found it easy for my understanding of this word to go unnoticed most of my teenage years. As I entered college and moved a bigger city, I realized I had sheltered myself from the realty of this key identity foundation and I had been sheltered by the surroundings of the modern-day ‘first world.’
So what brings me to this today, the last 9 months.
This is my first blog post of June, and for a reason. In October of 2012 God gave me a clear and direct command “Do not date until June…” – Well, my first response was simple – I have never had a boyfriend God, so this will be a breeze. No, this was very very wrong. God wasn’t just asking for my actions to reflect this command, He was waiting for my heart to also. So I rebelled. I fled towards the taunts and temptations of the opposite sex and into the effects of alcohol. These were easier to face than the image of me facing what was most broken – my ability to accept that I was wanted.
For 3 months I fled, until God showed up with his direct, but gentle command. I must receive. I must pick myself up and teach myself the truth that I have been teaching to so many. I had to go back to the basics. So, as I prayed this prayer, God said “Go to John 3:30.” The thing about this scripture is that I have had it memorized since high school – it’s one of my favorites. So as I stubbornly refused, God said, “the verse before..”
“The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.” v. 29
It was like my whole world changed in an instant. What, I belonged to Him? He wanted me? I was His? He waits and listens for me? He is full of joy when he hears my voice? So many things about this verse contradicted the 24 years of lies that I had believed. At 3 months of a pregnancy the mother is told the gender of the child. At my 3 month, God told me my identification in the Kingdom.
From that point forward, I started over. I began a process of identification, change, and perspective. Those two last words are the two words God gave me as my prophetic words over 2013. They have claimed to be true over and over again.
So back to being wanted. In the past 6 months, there has been change, struggle, comfort, sadness, joy, and utter disappointment. I continually have to look to God to remind me of my value, my worth, and His truth. The devil still wants to steal my identity, the world still wants to steal my hope and joy, and all along God is walking alongside me just smiling and holding my hand. He never leaves me nor forsakes me – even at my worst – He still wants me.
It’s beyond my understanding, but it is no longer out of my hands to grasp. I cling to this truth as much as I cling to His love and salvation. I cling to the knowledge that He knew me before I was born. He knew that He would call me to not date and I would deny Him, He knew that He would call my eyes to be opened to see His claim on my life – and that on January 3, 2013 my eyes would finally see.
Yes, it is June and no I am not dating anyone. Actually, my heart is not open to anyone but that of Christ Jesus right now. I long for a healthy marriage one day and I have been told He is preparing that – so I cling to the truth that “all my days were ordained for me…” This tells me that if He says a promise – He is faithful to fulfill it.
I have been very blessed in my life to be able to meet some very talented and gifted individuals – one of them is Dara Maclean. She recently released a song titled – “Wanted.” (I set that one up pretty good! HA)
This song, along with her heart, describes the beauty of feeling wanted and the emptiness that you feel until you grasp it. It’s breathtaking and beautifully sung by her angelic voice. I encourage you to listen to this song and may the words of the song, like the ones below, be your step towards realizing your identification in the Kingdom – His.
From the day you were born And took your first breath You opened your eyes and in came the light He was watching you
But all of your life you couldn’t shake the lies in your head Saying you’re a mistake Oh but you were made By a God who knows your name He doesn’t make mistakes…
I cannot tell you where I will be in another 9 months, or what lies beyond this, but I can tell you that my life is now defined differently. I leave for Honduras in 10 days to serve, to gain perspective, and to love like Jesus does. I do this now with the heart that is founded on a new definition:
“The God of the universe hand picked Jessica Marie Pittman to have a desire to be used for His Kingdom and to possess as His own. He no longer has to wish for her, for she claims, My Beloved is mine and I am His.”
You are wanted. You are desired.